Things Kerlos Learned This Week

Number 840 in a series - collect them all!

Wookie cuisine does not agree with my palate.
It takes one hour to see all the sites on Endor.
Settng up a spice deal is still as boring as I remember.
Never bring a blaster to a lightsaber fight.
Jedi don't carry anything worth stealing except their lightsabers.
Wroonian women don't feel any different from Corellian women.

Number 841 in a series

Don't trust Freya.
Don't stand in close proximity to Eight. Never know when bounty hunters will show up.
Probably a good idea not to stand too close to Artemis either.
Nü Sith know how to party. Jedi, not so much.
Darth Talon's a putz, but his dad is rich and willing to buy ersatz Sith lightsabers. Putting him on my buyers list.
Reminder: look up Darth Mandii next time I'm in Huttspace.

Number 842 in a series; now in list format for your reading enjoyment

• I am partially responsible for the rising of the Fifth Judge on Socorro. Mom would be so proud of me.
  
• The bartender at Tiranga's Loft mixes a pretty good Flameout.
  
• Don't bother with the Socorro Sunburn though, that was nasty. Reactor Core tastes better (and its lots more fun.)
  
• I was the only one to find it ironic that the bartender didn't know how to make a Sith Scorcher.
  
• Socorran Raava isn't all it's cracked up to be. But not bad.
  
• The lightsabers we came to Socorro to track down came from an old Mandalorian Jedi hunter's stash. So there's a little bit of business to be had here but it runs out when the sabers run out.
  
• Never heard of a Noghri Jedi before, especially from the Old Republic days, but we apparently have the lightsaber of one from said stash. That information has to be valuable to someone.
  
• I think everyone else in the group would be dead now if I hadn't insisted on them hiring a local guide before heading off into the desert to explore lava tubes. Ingrates didn't even bring any crystals back for me.
  
• Neftali isn't any warmer than the last time I was here. Hopefully there will be time to visit the hot springs.
  
• Gonks can actually be dangerous, who knew?

Number 843 in a series

• The droids in Eight's production line seem to have a predilection for insanity.
  
• That was the second biggest Jawa I've ever seen.
  
• In all the excitement I forgot to lay my bets on the swoop finals. So in the future, remember to place bets first then go save the galaxy.
  
• Cordel Cove's hot springs are very relaxing. Maybe if the rest of the group recognized this wisdom Artemis wouldn't have needed to lock himself in a Mandaloran prison box.
  
• Reminder - refresh my stash of Sober-Ups before leaving Neftali, since Artemis won't be able to supply me with any for the time being.
  

Number 844 in a series

• I still don't understand why non-Wookies bother celebrating Life Day.
  
• Someone's stealing Mon Cal cruisers. It's obviously not for their resale value.
  
• Loud clunks and a lurching of the ship doesn't necessarily mean its falling apart. It may mean that Tyce is taking his restored vintage X-Wing out for a spin, giddily lowering its resale value all the while.
  
• Whoever tried to wipe out the Anzat didn't do a very good job of it. Where's a Death Star when you need one?
  

Number 845 in a series

• I'm glad we have Eight along; I did not want to be the one to make the first move against the ancient, Force-using space vampire. Especially with the doctor still locked up in the box.
  
• You'd think an ancient, Force-using space vampire with a flair for the theatrical would expect the same from those he fights, but he got caught flat-footed by the chandelier I dropped on him. Go me.
  
• Too bad we were unable to kill the ancient, Force-using space vampire. Next time we get to civilization I need to read up on the practices and tactics of the old Anzat hunters. And to give a copy to Eight.
  
• Thanks to Mina's Dark Force energy sucking tattoo I can now connect the two swords I'm selling to an ancient Sith by the name of Xel’lotath. Even if buyers don't know who Xel’lotath is, they're always impressed by that kind of information and will pay more. The ones to worry about are the ones who do know the name Xel’lotath and are willing to pay more....
  
• Approaching Ando my intuition kept nagging at me about finding a functional escape pod. And that Mina should fix the comm system before we tried landing.

Number 846 in a series

• Getting played by Xel's minions sucks.
  
• Working with people who don't understand basic security procedures sucks even more.
  
• Not noticing that they don't understand basic security procedures, that's my own damn fault and sucks the most.
  
• You never get used to being shot. Hurts like hell every time.
  
• At the very least I don't think my reputation will be too badly damaged by losing the swords, got a good cover story out onto the Holonet quickly enough all I should have to worry about are some pissed-off potential buyers who will think I let someone outright buy it for some outrageous amount.
  
• Too bad it's not true, I could use an outrageous amount of creds right now. I can't let Belok get this holocron before me, not after last time!

Number 847 in a series

• The buy of the Xel’lotath holocron went off without a hitch. It's been so long since a plan went off that flawlessly I'm still expecting something about it to pop back up and bite me on the ass....
  
• Tyce won't allow our insane genocidal virologist Jedi to patch him up after fights anymore. I think he's overreacting. Now if you get the sniffles, that's probably when you're at risk of the doc's "special treatments"!
  
• BTW, we have an insane genocidal virologist Jedi on the ship if you didn't catch that part. The trick is to weigh the risks of him freaking out again against the benefits of his medical and lightsaber skills against the substantial bounty the Defel have on his head.
  
• Stupid indestructible rock material of Socorro, I had a great plan to blow things up and you had to go and spoil things. That's a 50,000 credit lesson in the futility of thinking heroically.
  
• The Turtle's captain is apparently part of an adopted family of Shistavanens. A dinner party in a giant junkyard with droids and wolfmen, I'm so looking forward to it (reference: Things Kerlos Learned This Week #388). I hope my cut of the yacht sale is going to be worth it.

Number 848 in a series

• No surprise but wolfmen don't want outsiders observing their funeral rites. Fine with me.
  
• Entering other people's dream world is surprisingly easy, all I had to do was pass out in the hallway. Much easier than all the Force-work Freya and the others used!
  
• Xel has shown herself to be a poor judge of character in picking fears with which to attack us. Me losing all my money, like I haven't lost everything before in sabacc or in deals that went bad.
  
• Being able to conjure up a lightsaber and pretend to be a Jedi in the dream world was fun. If I wasn't so worried about lopping one of my own arms off I'd think about getting a lightsaber of my own.
  
• Before we leave Jedi Central I should ask someone if going into other people's dreams like we did can have an effect on a person's biology. Ever since we came out it's like my hearing has gotten better, I'm constantly hearing what people are muttering to themselves even though they must be whispering it, since no one seems to hear them but me.
  
• I should pay more attention to this prophecy stuff, mom always said I needed to study my history more.
  
• I should also figure out if there's some way my huge pile of explosives can contribute to one of these big missions everyone is talking about. I'm sure one of these groups has the creds to buy it off my hands.
  

Number 849 in a series

• No matter how much they ask you to and say it'll be okay, it is not okay to shoot blasters into a melee crowd. Especially when it's an E-web! And you're shooting at someone who can deflect blaster bolts with a lightsaber!
  
• Nonetheless, I did kill one of Xel's reapers with said E-web. Go me!
  
• Though in the process, and here's where it's not okay to shoot at a lightsaber user in a melee crowd, I almost killed Freya and could have killed Tryce as well. Boo me.
  
• Now that we've stopped Xel's reapers, there's a question of what's going to happen with the Swords of Hate. I'm sure the Jedi want to lock them back up but I wonder if Mantorok's reaper will have his own ideas about what to do with them and I suspect the Jensaarai may too. Personally, I think there's still great (profit) potential behind the idea of the sting operation to entrap Sith minions out there looking to destroy the galaxy. It would certainly be a greater use of my talents than having me and my blaster go along on a suicide mission against The Forgotten's fleet at Corusant!
  
• The mumblings (reference: Things Kerlos Learned This Week #848) are not people quietly mumbling in my presence; I can now read minds. According to Jedi Claire, being sucked into Mina's mind must have awakened a sensitivity to the Force within me. She showed me some meditation techniques to control it so that I'm no longer constantly 'hearing' other people all the time.
  
• And once I fully learn to control this just imagine how useful it's going to be in business negotiations and at the sabacc table!
  
• Addendum:This Jedi mind trick stuff doesn't seem too hard once you get started, I'm sure I just made a salt shaker tremble slightly by just staring at it. Okay, it did take a lot of staring. And it might have been Freya's wall-punching and angrily stomping around making the table vibrate.
  
• Freya only hates to show how much she cares. Her race must age slower than most near-humans, I would never have guessed that she was still an adolescent.
  
• Or maybe she just needs to get laid. (Not that I'm volunteering.) Considering how much hate she aims at Artemis and Tryce, could she be hiding a crush on one or both of them? Poor devils!

Number 850 in a series

• When you need to board an enemy ship, the people to go to for advice are pirates.
  
• For a group who had the Republic sweating in panic over losing Coruscant, The Forgotten were pushovers. Either that or we're much more badass than I thought.
  
• Given that they were such pushovers, I believe that their cause will soon be as forgotten as they once were. They apparently expect that the senators and officials they kidnapped and dumped in the Outer Rim will come back and seek to make amends for those colonies being left alone however many decades ago. There will probably be a few soft-hearted ones who come back feeling that way. I expect a great many more will come back looking to punish those colonies as revenge for how they mistreated such important politicians.
  
• Coruscant's never looked cleaner thanks to Mina's last instructions to the Forgotten's droid army.
  
• Too bad Republic forces got on board so quickly, I'd have loved to crated up those ysalamiri.
  
• I can't decide if I'm impressed by the Sith Stalker's use of the ysalamiri trap to guard his droid control room or if it was an indication of just how weak he actually was, that the thought of facing Jedi scared him. In fact his whole "I told them not to send any Jedi!" strikes me as the whining complaint of someone who was afraid. Given the contempt all the other Sith types we've encountered have shown towards Jedi, this seems rather out of character for a fearsome Sith Stalker.

Number 851 in a series

• Ah, Coruscant, the reason everyone wants to conquer you is that afterward you party hard like no other planet in the galaxy.
  
• The gang seemed a bit flabbergasted that I could drop 100K in three days of debauchery and resupplying. Thus confirming my previous belief (reference: Things Kerlos Learned This Week #841) that Jedi do not know how to party.
  
• The doc needs to spread the story that he's been exposed to a deadly virus, sent to him by an enemy he apparently thought trustworthy. Jedi also do not know how to be suspicious.
  
• Freya came to me with information that Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine (when he did this wasn't clear) may have stashed some Sith artifacts in a vault on Muunilinst. Getting the Muuns to cough up the artifacts, or even confirming that they have them, won't be easy.
  
• Eight asked for help in tracking down a Kamden Paratus (undoubtedly an alias), someone who apparently forty years ago acquired the Hutts' Darksaber plans (ie, their cut-rate Death Star). I wonder if there's any connections to those old stories dad told about Booster Terrik having a copy of the Darksaber.
  
• Need to work on creating disguises now that I'm an officer in the New Republic's spy agency, don't want anyone associating the dashing, handsome and charming Major (Corporal? Colonel? General? I better find those documents again and get this straight...) Nimm Kaartinen with good old Kerlos Goran.

Number 852 in a series

• The Jedi chose to put their academy on Yavin for reasons that are now perfectly clear to me. It is so damn dull here that it compels you to study the Force to keep from losing your mind out of sheer boredom.
  
• Must have been the boredom that compelled me to agree to go explore what's happening in the Maw. As a wise man once said, only a complete idiot would go into a place like that. Well, that does describe this group much of the time so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that we're going there.

Number 853 in a series

• Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would ever find one of the Emperor's treasure vaults, unopened and untouched. It makes me cry to think that all these beautiful artifacts are just going to end up in another vault on Yavin somewhere.
  
• Not sure how much of the captain's story I believe about microscopic droids from another universe invading ours to absorb all life, but that giant eyeball on the bottom of Zarkhov's star destroyer is certainly weird enough to lend some credence to his story.
  
• I wonder what the Zharkov Foundation would pay to keep this information about their beloved founder's fate a secret.
  
• Among all the confiscated weapons we found in the Emperor's stash, not one ranged weapon. What is it about Force users that compels them to run up and engage their opponents in hand-to-hand combat instead of just shooting them from a safe distance? I suppose there's that trick where they deflect blaster bolts back at a shooter and the Sith have that lightning from their hands thing but c'mon, surely there's been a Force user before me who wasn't remotely interested in using a lightsaber, lightwhip, lightspear, lighttonfa and so on and so forth?

Number 854 in a series

• I knew holdout blasters were good for something, I just had to learn how to use it properly.
  
• "Death to tyrants", mom would be so proud that I remembered something from history class.
  
• Star destroyers have really, really tall stairwells.
  
• People movers are harder to control than they look.
  
• Zarkhov was so crazy I almost feel bad for thinking about blackmailing his foundation. Almost.
  
• One of the Jedi holocrons says it can teach me to use the Force with blasters instead of lightsabers. Ancient knowledge can be relevant after all!

Number 855 in a series

• I suppose if you don't need to sleep and have had decades to explore your destroyed planet, it's not surprising that our Anzat friend could find another working starship so quickly.
  
• Since he didn't immediately go after Mina's flock he's obviously plotting a much more intricate and devious revenge scheme. Maybe he'll take so long the galaxy will get destroyed in the meantime so we don't have to worry about it.
  
• Brand-new Jedi Council to deal with, at least they seem like (more) reasonable sorts.
  
• Caught a glimpse of Freya kissing Tryce in the hanger bay, looks like I was on to something (reference: Things Kerlos Learned This Week #849)
  
• Reminder: need an inventory of our loose lightsaber crystals. I'm thinking that I need a weapon locker full of modified blasters!
  
• Eight doesn't want us helping him take on his brother the Sith Lord because it will be tough. No, that's when you get people to help you, sheesh!
  

Number 856 in a series

• I do not remember getting a tattoo during our visit to the Corporate Sector. But given where it is, perhaps it's best that I don't remember.
  
• Nor do I remember how I acquired the monkey-lizard. I figure I was gambling and I must have lost.
  
• No matter what anyone else says, we did not visit a junk planet and we did not find a crazy Jedi building a giant robot out of star destroyers. It was Xel'lotath messing with our minds or something, it had to be.
  
• I'm close to figuring out this Force blaster combat style, the only thing holding me back right now is the modifications to a blaster. Turns out Mina doesn't know anything about fixing blasters so it looks like this is something I'll have to do myself. Good thing I have several spare blasters to practice on, don't want to mess up my Caelli.
  
• So we finally got to Muunilinst to look into that stash of artifacts Palpatine had stored here. It's been so long they (rightly) considered it abandoned assets and so it's no longer in a bank vault, or at least not in the same one anymore. We have the name of the bank agent who was in charge of disposing of the assets so now we have to get him to cough up the details of what happened to them. I expect most of the items were sold off, spread all over the galaxy by now.

Number 857 in a series

What is it about the Force that makes people so easily resort to violence? It's not the Dark Side. For all their talk of peace and non-violence all of the Jedi carry around a weapon more lethal than most blasters and seemingly the first thing they learn is how to use the Force to be even more efficiently deadly with it. And now that I'm learning how to use the Force with a blaster I'm turning into Two-Gun Kerlos, the man who shoots people in the head! I used to solve my problems with my wits and charm and I was damned good at it. But they failed me miserably on Muunilinst and if we hadn't of been lucky enough to get Freya and Mina to pose as escorts my solution to getting the information we wanted would have been to crash his penthouse and threaten to shoot him in the head. I might have shot him in the head in his office if I'd been armed so it's a good thing I wasn't. And I was so caught up in the excitement of being an action holovid star on Ord Mantell that I was all shoot first and who cares about asking any questions later. This isn't me. I don't like the kind of person the Force is turning me into.

Number 858 in a series

• I finally found a more foul and loathsome place in the galaxy than that one brothel on Nal Hutta (reference: Things Kerlos Learned This Week #512), Sith's crib on Myrkr.
  
• I shouldn't make light of that, but if I take it seriously I might just kill myself so that I'm not around when Sith wakes up. The sheer evil rolling off of it was almost tangible, even with the Force supporting my resolve I almost lost it completely then and there and that was from half a klick away through solid bedrock. It's too powerful, we don't stand a chance of stopping it if it wakes up.
  
• Though it looks like I may not have to off myself, the New Republic apparently wants to oblige me seeing as how they've sent a Mandalorian army to attack Yavin IV while I'm here....

Number 859 in a series

• The Mandalores are overrated. That's good. And the leader of the really bad (Silver) Mandalore faction is dead which should throw them into chaos. Also good. But it took the death of a Jedi Master and almost a second one to pull off, which is bad.
  
• Sith is awakening, that's bad. Really bad.
  
• But we woke it early which may actually be good - it panicked Chattur’gha and Xel’lotath enough that they came out of hiding to take us down. That part's bad. But it indicates that they felt we are a threat to foiling Sith's plans which is the good part.
  
• Mantorok crashed Chatty's and Xel's party and killed them both. That's good.
  
• Sith then killed Mantorok. I suppose that's bad, enemy of my enemy and all that, but Mantorok wiped out the entire population of Socorro to get enough power to kill his former associates and promised to do it to more planets in order to fight Sith so I'm actually leaning towards it being good that Mantorok's also been taken out of the picture.
  
• The aforementioned death of everyone on Socorro, that's bad.
  
• Eight's no longer concerned with having an honorable duel with his brother Thirteen. That's good.

Number 860 in a series

• One of the Ember droids at the Academy hijacked one of the ships that was used to send the apprentices off to safety while the Mandalores were attacking. It says that it's taking them to the ship the Embers are going to flee the galaxy in ahead of Sith destroying everything (thanks for the vote of confidence.) The Ember said that the apprentices would be given the choice of returning to Yavin or fleeing the galaxy. While I agree that the very young children probably aren't cognizant enough to make such a decision for themselves, if that Ember is a droid of its word then I don't really see a problem in letting the apprentices decide for themselves what to do. Surely we should trust that the Force will guide them to make the decision that is right for them? Of course that's assuming that the Ember is a droid of its word, the Ember in charge of things on Yavin is rather angry at its brother so perhaps it doesn't trust it.
  
• Talking about droids runs into lots of pronoun trouble. Especially when they're droids of the same model and you don't know their different identifying values.
  
• Speaking of droids of the same model, Eight finally got to have his little powercell to powercell chat with Thirteen. Also in attendance were several of his other brothers, two of whom joined up with Eight and are now stomping around on the Turtle with us. Mina's putting magnetic numbers on them so we can keep them all straight.
  
• Also in attendance at the pow-wow on Socorro was a biological monstrosity that Thirteen had cooked up just to kill us all off. No one else seemed overly concerned that a biological-hating droid like Thirteen resorted to a bio-engineered creature, but I can't help but wonder if there's a connection between Thirteen's "I'm an evil Sith lord" routine, the monster and the "biological construct" that Chatty and Xel talked about that is to hold Sith's essence when it awakens.
  
• In other news, we were told that Dannel died. But it was a slight exaggeration, he just seemed dead. His spirit had been sucked into an ancient relic that's (now) called The Thousand Year Prison. Delightful! Tryce and I got to hunt down a pair of crooks who escaped from said prison some years in the past, who turned out to be inhabiting the bodies of Dannel's parents, who everyone believed had died while fiddling with said artifact. Surprise! After some Force mojo on the part of the doc, Dannel was pulled out and then some further mojo on Dannel's part swapped his parents back into their bodies. What happened to the spirits of the crooks? Probably best not to ask.
  

Number 861 in a series

• The Ember who's running away from the galaxy did send back all the youngest kids and those who did not want to go on his little adventure so we didn't have to shoot him in the face. (I kid! Well, maybe not.) I made sure that the teens who did go aren't without the necessary supplies for their upcoming desperate adolescent years....
  
• I can curve blaster shots around obstacles! Slightly at least.
  
• A sure way to save someone from giving themselves over to the Dark Side of the Force: shoot them in the face with a stunbolt.
  
• I take great satisfaction in helping to kill the last space vampire. (Well, the last one that's not a mindless, feral beast anyway.) I think just to be sure though, once we take Thirteen's Death Star away from him we will need a suitable target upon which to test its superlaser before we go after Sith and Anzat sure seems like a good choice to me.
  
• I hope the Academy has some good shrinks on their staff, those little kids are going to need it after riding back to Yavin with Freya.

Number 862 in a series

• The galaxy is full of Force-using people you'd never expect. And the Force sees fit to keep steering us towards them.
  
• Vox must have inherited his unstable mental condition from his mother because mom's obviously got issues. While the evidence is circumstantial, I'm pretty sure that Vox's mom and The Arahn are one and the same because they're both obviously nuts and it's much simpler to accept that they're the same person than to think that two loonies could work together that well.
  
• So the score with STARS so far is two happy family reunions and two bad ones, if we count Eight's attempt to reconcile with Thirteen as a reunion. With odds like that I don't think I'll try to visit dad anytime soon.
  

Number 863 in a series

• Used tramp freighters are actually quite inexpensive. Perhaps I should assemble a fleet.
  
• I can scratch two accomplishments off of the list I made when I was seven years old: fight Darth Vader (close enough) and blow up a Death Star (ditto).
  
• I got shot by a TIE fighter and survived. Heck, I didn't even pass out. Do Jedi Masters even need spaceships to dogfight?
  
• Vox is still worth a two million credit bounty. I should stop dwelling on that.
  

Number 864 in a series:

• Since I now own a tramp freighter, I got Tryce to show me the basics of piloting one while the rest of the group went off to Tatooine for drinks. Really not my idea of a hotspot for celebrating anything so it's just as well I had this ship to go pick up.
  
• I've got the basics of piloting down, I think I can get from point A to point B somewhat reliably. Anything more complicated though I'm going to leave to the professionals. Fortunately the ship wasn't too damaged in the landing and we were able to walk away uninjured.
  
• So many ninjas*.
  
• Just because she's grateful doesn't mean that a princess is going to offer you much of a reward.
  
• I don't know why Tryce insists that we never speak of this trip again, it wasn't that awful of an experience. Well, maybe that bit in the dungeon...yeah, that was kind of humiliating for him, I can see why he wouldn't want anyone else to hear about it.
  

* OOC: yeah, they don't have ninjas in Star Wars but "shadow assassins" just doesn't have the same pizazz.